Relationships can be consuming in every aspect of the word. It will sometimes take you out of your normal routine as you find yourself spending more and more time with your mate. The problems start when all that time together leads to continuous arguments. You fight about everything big and small. Who drank all my apple juice? Why did you leave the toilet seat up? Do you ever clean your apartment? Why does so many women call your phone? Do you always sleep this much? The arguments are never ending! You will find that sometimes it is necessary to have space in a relationship. This space can be used as time to think without influence or distraction and to pray for God’s direction. Here are some thoughts I have to taking a break in a relationship:
1. It should be no more than 24 hours. There is a lot that can happen in one day, heck a lot can happen in two days. I suggest that when you break it is for a day! Anything more than that you may find yourself single again. The other person just may find someone else or get tired of waiting. You made the decision to be in a relationship so stick with it. If you are uncertain then end it. Your wasting time!
2. Anything more than 24 hours. If you take longer than one day you may as well break up until you come to your conclusion. I understand some circumstances may require more time to think things through, but be considerate of the other person. It isn’t fair to the other person to force them to wait on a conclusion to something you are unsure about. I say just end it and should you decide to get them back hopefully they are still available.
3. What are we? Determine if you guys are still going to be committed to each other during this time. It is on “breaks” that the other person may meet or sleep with someone else and easily move on. So while your “thinking” or “soul-searching” the other person is over you and your break!
4. Someone may cheat, but is it cheating? If you’ve made the decision to take a break because your uncertain about the relationship. Is it fair to force the other person to remain faithful only for them to find out that you don’t want a relationship later? Hmmm…
5. Why do you want a break anyway? Some people use breaks as an opportunity to do things they wouldn’t normally do while in a relationship. If you find yourself looking for breaks as a sense of freedom from the chains of a commitment you may need to consider being single!
6. Is it that serious? People can use the term “break” so freely. Not realizing that a break won’t always resolve your issues. If you and your mate are having problems with each other a break is the last thing you need. You need to communicate with each other, determine the source of the problem and come to a resolution. If you break during a time where communication is necessary the relationship will eventually fall apart due to numerous unresolved issues.
I don’t believe in breaks! If you need a day to yourself…fine. However, if you need days or weeks then the relationship should be over. This is time that you guys could be sorting through your issues or time that you could use to move on. When you make the decision to be with someone you should take it seriously. In this case, you won’t find yourself questioning whether or not you made the right decision.
When being the “independent woman” doesn’t matter!
As a woman, I used to pride myself in my accomplishments! I am always excited to share my experiences with my dates. Initially, I thought it would impress them and it would be enough to woo them over! What I failed to realize is that woo-ing phase is only temporary. Of course he’d be impressed that his potential girlfriend graduated high school at 16 and earned her Doctorate degree at 23! Heck, who wouldn’t be impressed? For years, I believed that a man would love me for that too. I felt it made me different from other women, because I had something that shows I am capable of holding my own without needing or using a man to get by. Yes, this does make me different but not in the ways I thought it would. Whether they want to admit it or not women often compare themselves to other women (especially the women that their ex’s are dating). You often hear women say things like “Ooh, he downgraded.” or “I can’t believe he left me for her!” What we (women) fail to realize is that sometimes your self-proclaimed independency isn’t enough to keep a man around or win him over.
We often forget that a man wants to feel needed. He wants a woman who will cook for him and make him feel like a king. Simple things like a shoulder massage after a hard day in the gym or an ear to listen to a career goal he wants to pursue. Being an independent woman has its pros, but it also has cons! Lots of professional workingwomen do not know how to cook or fail to find the time to do so. We are so caught up in our work that we forget how to tend to our men. Yet, we compete with women who aren’t working and they are able to put forth the time and effort required to give a man what we don’t have time to give…love and support! In my past relationships it was all about me, me, me. Rarely did I care or take a moment to discuss him and his needs.
What I am trying to say is. Never think that because you have a college education or some high paying job that you automatically deserve or will get this awesome guy over a woman who may not have either of those things. Ultimately, a true gentleman will want to be the provider he can care less about how much you make or how many degrees you have. As long as you have something to bring to the table and it keeps you busy it doesn’t matter. What matters most is that you support him; you show him you need him, and you let him be the provider. These are things we as independent women often fail to do. We never feel we need anyone, especially a man.
I started to refocus my energy on learning how to do things that I knew a man would appreciate. Over the years, I learned how to cook and made every effort to learn what it takes to keep a man happy. It took some time, but it’s working out. I’ve been sharing some of what I do in my posts, but I’ll try to make one specifically about this in the future. Date Healthy!
We’ve all experienced it at least once in our lives. When your boyfriend still claims you as his girlfriend, yet acts as if he is no longer in a relationship. He seems distant, cold, and he doesn’t care to make any effort to keep you happy anymore. Suddenly, when you decide to end the relationship he’s already moved on and may even be in a relationship again! When this happens its because he already had his mind made up. He knew before the decision to break up was made that he was going to break up with you. Instead of communicating this information to you he moved on mentally and started looking for his next girlfriend. I’ve always wondered why guys did this. So, I surveyed some mean and came up with these reasons:
1. You’re a good (or nice) girl. You’ve shown him that you are a great catch! You have everything that he’d want in a girl, but there are some things missing. He is still unhappy with you regardless of how good you are. He feels terrible, because you are “marriage” material just not the material he desires.
2. Fear. In this case, he is torn. He doesn’t know if you’ll be the last “good girl” he’ll encounter. Men are afraid of ending up with a reformed hoe!
3. There is someone else. This is the most common reason men move on mentally! It’s because someone else is keeping his attention.
4. You’ve changed. I always stress the importance of loving and being you in a relationship. If you fail to be you in the relationship he will fall in love with the person you’ve created. The problem comes when you get comfortable and start to be yourself. Be careful, he may not like that person!
5. He wants to be sure. As adults making the decision to end a serious relationship can be a tough one. In some cases, a man will need to give the situation some thought and even prayer.
6. The thrill is gone! Let’s face it. When we get comfortable we get comfortable! We go from looking our best for him everyday to putting less effort into our physical appearance. It’s important to continue to do your best to look good for your man as much as possible. Otherwise, the attraction will slowly disappear.
7. You cheated. Ladies, we make mistakes as well! We do things to hurt our men and unfortunately they can’t take it. So…they move on!
Oh the things we go through as women! Date Healthy!
Here’s the question I got this week via my Ask Ann inbox:
Should you tell your mate if you cheated?
This one is tough. The good girl in me wants to say yes you should tell your mate if you cheated on them. It is the absolute right thing to do. Not to mention my conscious will haunt me if I never tell. Keep in mind when you admit you’ve cheated, there will be consequences. These consequences may vary depending on your significant other. You know your significant other better than anyone else. So be sure to mentally prepare for their reaction!
On the other hand, the bad girl in me wants to say not to tell! Why? If he/she has no way of knowing you cheated and the relationship is doing fine otherwise…why ruin a good thing by telling? There is a saying that says, “Some stuff is better left unsaid.” Again, my conscious wouldn’t let me cheat and not say anything. I would probably end up telling on myself somehow so this wouldn’t work for me at all. However, some folks are better liars and they can probably get away with it. There is another saying, “What happens in the dark will come to light.” So should you decide to keep it to yourself, be prepared for it to be revealed later on. I wouldn’t support this but, what would you do? Just tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth!
If you’re anything like me when you hear that something works you can’t help but try it! I don’t mean this with any and everything, but particularly in relationships. If my friend tried something that made their relationship better I would consider it. For example, you always hear the saying “The key to a man’s heart is to his stomach.” So of course I took it upon myself to learn how to cook! I must admit it does work. Guys were usually surprised when I could put together a tasty meal when they came to visit. Well after years of dating I’ve learned there is more than way to a man’s heart. Here are some other roads you can take to a man’s heart if cooking isn’t your forte:
If the sex is good some men will fall easily. There is nothing like a lady in the streets and a freak in the bed to a man. However, I do not believe this is the best road to take to win a man’s heart because the love will only be temporary. If your plan is to be in his life for the long haul I suggest finding another way to his heart. If the sex is good it will be a plus, but it may not always equal wedding bells. It is all based on circumstances and the people involved. It may work for some, but again not for long!
2. Make him laugh I have noticed the more I date that men have a hard time finding a woman that can make them laugh. It could be because women are so focused on getting to know a man by interviewing him they forget to have fun! I have a corny way of making men laugh, but it works. Be yourself! If you are naturally funny or silly let it show. It may be a way to his heart.
Nowadays more than ever women tend to be habitual liars. They lie about everything big and small. This is a huge turn off to men. Why lie? No matter if it will hurt him it is more important to tell the truth. If he can trust you, it will set you apart from all the other women.
4. Peaceof mind
No nagging equals man heaven! Keep in mind he’s already stressed with work, life, and whatever else is going on, but if he can come over and have peace with you he will be a happy camper.
“These girls ain’t loyal!” I hear so many men say this and not just because of the song. They feel that you can have something good with a woman one day and the next day if a man that is more attractive, more intelligent, or has more money she’s out the door. Show him that you’re totally committed regardless of who shows up in your life! Always choose him.
This is by far the most important and my favorite key! If I can get to his heart through Christ how can we fail as a couple? God is the key that makes everything else come together! We can seek Him in all things and He can make the best of our relationship. This may not be an option for some men as their belief system may be different. However, if you are a believer and you find yourself one. Consider yourself blessed!
In the beginning things were all good. He called and visited regularly. He made an effort to spend time with you and show you he liked you. Now he’s no longer initiating. The roles have reversed and now you’re doing all the work. You make sure you guys talk regularly, your scheduling time to see each other. Here’s a few ways you can reignite the chase in him:
• Pull back but don’t tell him what or why
The honeymoon phase is officially over so seeing him all the time is out of the question. Set a weekly amount of times you’d want to see him and stick to it.
• Recreate the mystery
Most guys lose interest once they figure you out. You are now boring. He knows your routine, your friends. You have to get that back! Be spontaneous. Do things out of your normal routine. If he knows you’re always home on Sunday night then go out! Consider a new hobby.
• Have a life of your own.
No man wants a woman whose life revolves around him. So make time for things you want to do. Do not make him #1 priority. Do not cancel or rearrange plans for him.
• Just say no!
If he’s use to having his way with you it may be time to start saying no to the desires of his heart. He’s gotten so used to you doing everything he asks he now expects you to always do things for him. “Babe, come see me…NO!” “Sweetie, let’s do this..NO!”
• Find a female friend to vent to.
Call her when you want to talk to him. You have to be strong during this phase. Saying no or being less available will be hard so cling to a friend that understands your situation and is willing to talk you through it.
This week’s guest blogger is my dear friend Marcus Spivey! Enjoy :)
The situation you said that you would never go back to because of how pissed off you were about the situation.
The person you said you “hated” because they could not seem to make your fantasy become that of a reality.
The time that you complain about that you can’t get back because of what you felt like was wasted.
The situation that was new to you, and you couldn’t seem to explain the feeling behind it.
The person who has the key and alarm code to come in and take care of your body in many indescribable ways
The time you first said I love you and knew it meant something.
It’s called the Vicious Cycle of breakups to makeups in a relationship. I believe that once you are done with someone the relationship is over. Maybe go back 1 time, but in very rare occasions do people break up, get back together, and have a successful relationship. In events that this does happen, it’s generally due to timing. One should never continue to make this a habit but people do. My question is why go back multiple times?
Being a friend of many people this has happened to my thought is this, break up once and get back together is cool, but when this is occurring time after time, people get tired of hearing about it. We all know the outcome! Not saying that people shouldn’t be allowed to vent but if you tell me you can’t stand this, or that and they treat me this way and that way, a person’s first thought is to get out. In no way do I feel someone should keep putting themselves through unhappiness all for the sake of love but it happens.
A simple way to break this cycle is by having relationships with people who treat you how you want to be treated. You can’t complain about something without trying to change it. Relationships aren’t suppose to be hard, if yours is then I bet your friendships with people are difficult too. If you are still in denial and don’t belive you’re the problem call 1 -800- IAM-MISERABLE.
For some meeting the parents’ means it’s getting pretty serious. For others, not so much. The best way to determine if meeting the parents is serious would depend on the type of relationship he/she has with their parents. For example, if I introduce a guy to my mom it doesn’t mean it’s getting serious in my book. This is because my mom and I have more of a friendship type of relationship. Meeting her is like meeting one of my friends, except she’s my mom! I rarely ask her for advice with men, I’m not sure why though. Anyway, I dated a guy who didn’t have the best relationship with his mom. She wasn’t very involved in his personal relationships with women. When I met her, in his mind it wasn’t a big deal. He’s like, “Oh yea, that’s my mom!” If you find yourself meeting the parents like that, then he/she probably doesn’t value their opinion about you in their life. In other words, if the parents don’t like you it doesn’t matter to them.
On the other hand, if you meet the parents and your significant other makes a big deal out of what you should wear, what to say, or what not to say…it’s serious! They’ve got your meeting all planned out. More than likely you guys will have dinner at their home or a nice restaurant. Your date has spoken to their parents about you so they already have questions and/or concerns! My friend in college actually had her parents meet his parents. This was well before they even got married. My point is meeting the parents can go either way. Don’t be nervous, just be yourself! If they like you great! If they don’t oh well. It may not even be that serious. If it is, the person you’re with wouldn’t be comfortable introducing you to them in the first place! Now what you should do if the parents don’t like you…I think that will be another blog post. Date Healthy!