I Cheated

Here’s the question I got this week via my Ask Ann inbox:

Should you tell your mate if you cheated?

This one is tough. The good girl in me wants to say yes you should tell your mate if you cheated on them. It is the absolute right thing to do. Not to mention my conscious will haunt me if I never tell. Keep in mind when you admit you’ve cheated, there will be consequences. These consequences may vary depending on your significant other. You know your significant other better than anyone else. So be sure to mentally prepare for their reaction!

On the other hand, the bad girl in me wants to say not to tell! Why? If he/she has no way of knowing you cheated and the relationship is doing fine otherwise…why ruin a good thing by telling? There is a saying that says, “Some stuff is better left unsaid.” Again, my conscious wouldn’t let me cheat and not say anything. I would probably end up telling on myself somehow so this wouldn’t work for me at all. However, some folks are better liars and they can probably get away with it. There is another saying, “What happens in the dark will come to light.” So should you decide to keep it to yourself, be prepared for it to be revealed later on. I wouldn’t support this but, what would you do? Just tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth!

6 Keys to a Man’s Heart

If you’re anything like me when you hear that something works you can’t help but try it! I don’t mean this with any and everything, but particularly in relationships. If my friend tried something that made their relationship better I would consider it. For example, you always hear the saying “The key to a man’s heart is to his stomach.” So of course I took it upon myself to learn how to cook! I must admit it does work. Guys were usually surprised when I could put together a tasty meal when they came to visit. Well after years of dating I’ve learned there is more than way to a man’s heart. Here are some other roads you can take to a man’s heart if cooking isn’t your forte:

1. Sex
If the sex is good some men will fall easily. There is nothing like a lady in the streets and a freak in the bed to a man. However, I do not believe this is the best road to take to win a man’s heart because the love will only be temporary. If your plan is to be in his life for the long haul I suggest finding another way to his heart. If the sex is good it will be a plus, but it may not always equal wedding bells. It is all based on circumstances and the people involved. It may work for some, but again not for long!

2. Make him laugh
I have noticed the more I date that men have a hard time finding a woman that can make them laugh. It could be because women are so focused on getting to know a man by interviewing him they forget to have fun! I have a corny way of making men laugh, but it works. Be yourself! If you are naturally funny or silly let it show. It may be a way to his heart.

3. Trust
Nowadays more than ever women tend to be habitual liars. They lie about everything big and small. This is a huge turn off to men. Why lie? No matter if it will hurt him it is more important to tell the truth. If he can trust you, it will set you apart from all the other women.

4. Peace of mind
No nagging equals man heaven! Keep in mind he’s already stressed with work, life, and whatever else is going on, but if he can come over and have peace with you he will be a happy camper.

5. Loyalty
“These girls ain’t loyal!” I hear so many men say this and not just because of the song. They feel that you can have something good with a woman one day and the next day if a man that is more attractive, more intelligent, or has more money she’s out the door. Show him that you’re totally committed regardless of who shows up in your life! Always choose him.

6. God
This is by far the most important and my favorite key! If I can get to his heart through Christ how can we fail as a couple? God is the key that makes everything else come together! We can seek Him in all things and He can make the best of our relationship. This may not be an option for some men as their belief system may be different. However, if you are a believer and you find yourself one. Consider yourself blessed!

Date Healthy!

What to do when he’s losing interest…

In the beginning things were all good. He called and visited regularly. He made an effort to spend time with you and show you he liked you. Now he’s no longer initiating. The roles have reversed and now you’re doing all the work. You make sure you guys talk regularly, your scheduling time to see each other. Here’s a few ways you can reignite the chase in him:

• Pull back but don’t tell him what or why

The honeymoon phase is officially over so seeing him all the time is out of the question. Set a weekly amount of times you’d want to see him and stick to it.

• Recreate the mystery

Most guys lose interest once they figure you out. You are now boring. He knows your routine, your friends. You have to get that back! Be spontaneous. Do things out of your normal routine. If he knows you’re always home on Sunday night then go out! Consider a new hobby.

• Have a life of your own.

No man wants a woman whose life revolves around him. So make time for things you want to do. Do not make him #1 priority. Do not cancel or rearrange plans for him.

• Just say no!

If he’s use to having his way with you it may be time to start saying no to the desires of his heart. He’s gotten so used to you doing everything he asks he now expects you to always do things for him. “Babe, come see me…NO!” “Sweetie, let’s do this..NO!”

• Find a female friend to vent to.

Call her when you want to talk to him. You have to be strong during this phase. Saying no or being less available will be hard so cling to a friend that understands your situation and is willing to talk you through it.

Date Healthy!

The Vicious Cycle

This week’s guest blogger is my dear friend Marcus Spivey! Enjoy :)

The situation you said that you would never go back to because of how pissed off you were about the situation.

The person you said you “hated” because they could not seem to make your fantasy become that of a reality.

The time that you complain about that you can’t get back because of what you felt like was wasted.

But………

The situation that was new to you, and you couldn’t seem to explain the feeling behind it.

The person who has the key and alarm code to come in and take care of your body in many indescribable ways

The time you first said I love you and knew it meant something.

It’s called the Vicious Cycle of breakups to makeups in a relationship. I believe that once you are done with someone the relationship is over. Maybe go back 1 time, but in very rare occasions do people break up, get back together, and have a successful relationship. In events that this does happen, it’s generally due to timing. One should never continue to make this a habit but people do. My question is why go back multiple times?

Being a friend of many people this has happened to my thought is this, break up once and get back together is cool, but when this is occurring time after time, people get tired of hearing about it. We all know the outcome! Not saying that people shouldn’t be allowed to vent but if you tell me you can’t stand this, or that and they treat me this way and that way, a person’s first thought is to get out. In no way do I feel someone should keep putting themselves through unhappiness all for the sake of love but it happens.

A simple way to break this cycle is by having relationships with people who treat you how you want to be treated. You can’t complain about something without trying to change it. Relationships aren’t suppose to be hard, if yours is then I bet your friendships with people are difficult too. If you are still in denial and don’t belive you’re the problem call 1 -800- IAM-MISERABLE.

Date Healthy……

Meet the Parents

For some meeting the parents’ means it’s getting pretty serious. For others, not so much. The best way to determine if meeting the parents is serious would depend on the type of relationship he/she has with their parents. For example, if I introduce a guy to my mom it doesn’t mean it’s getting serious in my book. This is because my mom and I have more of a friendship type of relationship. Meeting her is like meeting one of my friends, except she’s my mom! I rarely ask her for advice with men, I’m not sure why though. Anyway, I dated a guy who didn’t have the best relationship with his mom. She wasn’t very involved in his personal relationships with women. When I met her, in his mind it wasn’t a big deal. He’s like, “Oh yea, that’s my mom!” If you find yourself meeting the parents like that, then he/she probably doesn’t value their opinion about you in their life. In other words, if the parents don’t like you it doesn’t matter to them.

On the other hand, if you meet the parents and your significant other makes a big deal out of what you should wear, what to say, or what not to say…it’s serious! They’ve got your meeting all planned out. More than likely you guys will have dinner at their home or a nice restaurant. Your date has spoken to their parents about you so they already have questions and/or concerns! My friend in college actually had her parents meet his parents. This was well before they even got married. My point is meeting the parents can go either way. Don’t be nervous, just be yourself! If they like you great! If they don’t oh well. It may not even be that serious. If it is, the person you’re with wouldn’t be comfortable introducing you to them in the first place! Now what you should do if the parents don’t like you…I think that will be another blog post. Date Healthy!

The Art of Nagging

I know most of you saw the topic and thought…what is she about to say now? Well I wanted to talk about nagging in-depth. Women do it! Men hate it! Why do women do it? Why do men hate it? There are so many reasons, but I believe there can be a happy medium you just have to find it.

The definition of nagging is to annoy someone with repeated requests, questions, or orders.

Women nag for several reasons to include but not limited to:

1. Perfection: They want the relationship to be perfect (or better) so they point out all the bad qualities in the relationship in hopes of improving it. Women have good intentions when doing this, but men perceive this the wrong way. Nagging pushes them away!

2. Suspicion: They suspect their significant other is cheating so they will try to catch him in the act. Anytime things are “off” it will trigger her to attack!

3. Jealous and/or insecure: No explanation necessary

4. Unhappy with the relationship: When a woman isn’t happy she will complain for changes to happen. She will continue to do this until she gets what she wants or gets tired of asking.

5. So anxious! Anxious for love, marriage, lust, whatever the case may be. The problem is he’s not moving at the pace she wants to go.

6. Bad boyfriend: Maybe you just suck as a boyfriend and that’s why she nags.

Of course men dislike nagging, but what men fail to realize is that there is a purpose behind those annoying questions, comments, and/or conversations. Unfortunately, its one of the ways a woman will show that she cares. She nags because she wants to fix things before its too late. What becomes a problem is when she stops nagging! This simply means she’s given up hope and no longer cares because she’s now plotting her exit. The other thought could be she started seeing someone else.

Women (including myself) we have to get better at what we complain about. Some stuff is pointless and isn’t even worth having an argument over or even bringing up. When you decide to complain or nag to your significant other about an issue make sure it’s a valid one. How do you know if it’s valid? Well, when you are able to state what the problem is, what is causing the problem, what happens as a result of this problem, and a possible solution …then maybe you have yourself an argument. However, if you want to point out stuff about him that you don’t like and want him to change then you are out of luck! You should never expect a man to change for you nor should you believe that nagging him would make the changes he made for you permanent. Here are my suggestions on healthy nagging:

1. Have a valid point with evidence (no hearsay or stuff you created in your mind)

2. Wait for the right opportunity to bring up the issue. (Avoid doing it when you are upset or when he is preoccupied with something else.)

3. Be careful in how you state your concerns. Use the right tone of voice. Make sure you aren’t yelling or making that annoying child-like voice you make when you don’t get your way. Be an adult about the situation. Make sure your emotions are intact and you can speak to him in a way that is respectful and demands his attention.

4. State your issue once and leave it up to him to change it. Do not nag him about something excessively to the point where he gets irritated and loses interest. If he cares about you he will take heed and you guys can work together to make the appropriate changes necessary. If he doesn’t care then consider yourself ignored….move on!

Did I mention this was biblical? When I came across this scripture years ago I learned I needed to get my “nag” act together.

“It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman.” Proverbs 21:19

This Scripture alone should be enough motivation to work on your “nagging” ways! If a man would rather be in the wilderness (or in a place with no one or nothing else) than put up with you…imagine how easy it would be for him to let you go. Stop annoying him ladies!

Date Healthy!

13 Annoying things girls do that guys hate

Nagging

Please complain only once per issue. Anything more than that can be annoying.

Don’t know how to cook.

If you consider yourself a lady, then cooking should be second nature! If not, I urge you to go take some classes.

Ms. Messy-Dirty.

If you invite him over more than once and your apartment is never clean. He’s probably contemplating how capable you are of becoming a wife.

Not being independent.

There is nothing more attractive to a man than a woman who can hold her own. Please refrain from expecting him to do everything for you. Show him you can bring something to the table.

Always expect a guy to pay for everything.

Every date? Every encounter? You should offer to pay here and there. Trust me dating is expensive. Do the math!

Ordering more food than usual.

If you hang out with your friends and you guys share an appetizer and maybe even an entrée. Why is it when you go on a date you feel the need to order an appetizer, entrée, soup, salad, and dessert? Not to mention, you won’t even eat it all.

Wasting his money.

You wouldn’t waste your money, why waste his? You make him buy things for you that wouldn’t normally buy for yourself.

Making the guy initiate everything

You expect him to call you everyday. You expect him to ask you out on dates all the time. We (women) tend to forget that men like to feel wanted too. Switch it up. Call him sometimes. Take him out on a date!

Being too uptight.

You lack adventure and spontaneity! You are boring. You never like to do anything fun or anything he likes to do. Open up a bit. Add some adventure to your dating experience.

Trying to change him

You don’t like X, Y, and Z about him. Instead of accepting who he is you try to make him change to what you like. It’s not about you! A huge part of relationships is when you love the person for who they are. How can you love who you are with when you are constantly trying to change him. Let him learn things for himself

Using him for incentives.

Most men feel used especially when a woman always has her hand out. Best example I can think of is in a bar. When a woman clings to a man just for drinks then when it is time to give her phone number…she disappears. Men hate that! Buy your own drink.

Lies. Lies. Lies!

Most people lie because they are hiding from or ashamed of the truth. If a guy finds out that you lied he will never trust or respect you the same. Be careful not to lose that. The relationship will never be the same.

Hair & Makeup

Men are different when it comes to fake hair and makeup. A lot of men can’t tell when a woman is wearing a weave. This is the most acceptable way to wear your hair, the ‘natural look.’ When your weave still appears as natural a guy will accept this. If your weave is obviously a weave he will hate it. It’s the same with makeup. If you have on too much and it’s obvious, he’s immediately turned off.

Is monogamy unnatural?

“She has everything I want but…”
“He’s fine, but he doesn’t have a good job!”
“She’s beautiful, but we do not share a mental connection.”
“He is intelligent and has a great career, but he isn’t attractive.”
“He’s too short.”
“If only he was…”

These are comments we have made about a significant other at least once in our lives. If we haven’t voiced these statements in particular you have definitely expressed that your significant other was missing something or not doing something right. These issues have led to people becoming cheaters, side chicks, or even side men. Basically, it has become common to see people involved with more than one person to fulfill their needs. This leaves me with the question. Is monogamy unnatural?

I believe we were created to be monogamous. In the beginning God created Adam and Eve. He created one man to be with one woman. This situation was applicable to animals as well when you consider Noah and his ark! As children we grow up looking forward to being married to one man (or woman). Little girls grow up hoping to meet their prince charming, while little boys grow up in hopes of finding someone like their mom. As teenagers we crush on that one person in Math class or even that one teacher in American government. The entire point being is that our mind is initially set at being monogamous.

The problem comes when you have other factors in the environment that may alter the idea of being monogamous. For example: the woman that is willing to provide you with oral sex knowing that you are married or the man that is willing to buy you expensive gifts just to win you over from the ‘loser’ guy your with. When you look at monogamy from a spiritual perspective it was intended for us to be monogamous naturally! Unfortunately, we have made monogamy unnatural by making those things that were initially unacceptable acceptable! Due to a person’s lack of respect (or morale) for themselves and others, we are no longer able to view monogamy as a natural scenario. Now people think they can use multiple people to fulfill the needs of one person. Being monogamous takes a lot of hard work and sacrifice, but that doesn’t mean it is unnatural. Hard work and sacrifice makes sense when you have two people coming from two different walks of life get together to become one! What doesn’t make sense is when you refuse to compromise and find someone else to fulfill the need you have instead of communicating your needs to your partner. We are spoiled! We want everything our way and we want it when we want it. It is because of our selfish desires that we are unable to be in a monogamous relationship anymore. Instead of putting forth effort, we create other options that will make it easier to be in a relationship. What we’ve failed to realize is that nothing good in life comes easy. Your education required effort. Your growth as an individual requires effort. Your promotion required effort. Raising your children requires effort. You get the point? Creating easier options for ourselves has changed what God intended for us to be in the first place. This is why it may seem as if monogamy is unnatural.

With that being said, I still believe monogamy is natural…we just messed it up being lazy and selfish among other things!

A Pass to Cheat…

This week’s Ask Ann topic is regarding a discussion I was having with a guy the other day. He felt the need to express to me his frustrations with his significant other. He jokingly states, “Well since your ‘Dating Ann’ and all, maybe you can give me your advice on my situation.” I chuckled and told him to ask away! Why did I do that? What the heck was I thinking? Anyway, here was his issue.

Frustrated Male: “I’ve been in an monogamous relationship with this young lady for almost 10 months now. She’s smart, beautiful, and has a good heart She pretty much has everything I want in a woman.”

Me: Ok. What’s missing?

Frustrated Male: “She doesn’t give head!”

Me: [blank stare]

Frustrated Male: “Oral sex is important to me in a relationship. I feel that it takes away from the experience when she doesn’t do that to me.”

Me: Umm. How does she feel about it? Why doesn’t she want to do it?

Frustrated Male: “She wants to save that experience for her husband.” She isn’t comfortable giving head to someone that she isn’t married to.

Me: If she feels strongly about this and you’re not okay with it. You guys have to come to a resolution together that would make you both happy. Do you like her enough that you are willing to go without oral sex in a relationship? Do you make her feel secure enough in the relationship that she feels as if you guys will progress to marriage?

Frustrated Male: I like her a lot, but I have needs that cannot wait until marriage. We haven’t been dating long enough for me to know that I can call her my wife and I don’t want to promise her that. I have an idea that may work.

Me: Okay. What is it?

Frustrated Male: Well since she won’t give me head. She should be okay with me getting it from another woman. Technically, it wouldn’t be cheating because she won’t do it.

Me: [blank stare] Dude! You cannot be serious. Wait. Are you serious?

Frustrated Male: Yes, I should get a pass to get it elsewhere until she’s comfortable.

Me: If she’s as smart as you say she is you will not have a girlfriend after you present this idea to her. You should respect and love her enough to wait until she’s ready. If you don’t you shouldn’t be in the relationship. You don’t want to force her into doing something she doesn’t want to do. So your best bet…if you want to stay with her is to wait. If you have to go outside the relationship for everything that she doesn’t provide then you aren’t ready for a serious relationship. Every woman you date will be missing at least one piece of your ideal mate puzzle. You have to decide which pieces you are willing to go without. If this is a piece that is imperative to your puzzle then you may want to end the relationship and not waste anyone’s time.

Frustrated Male: That makes sense, but she’s not being fair! I don’t want to end the relationship. She’s just going to have to accept it.

Me: How would you feel if she went outside the relationship for something that you aren’t giving her?

Frustrated Male: She wouldn’t do that. She knows better.

Me: [blank stare] I can’t deal with you right now. You go find yourself another girlfriend or take a cold shower. Your choice.

Some men actually believe this is acceptable. This leaves me wondering how many men actually feel this way and instead of voicing their feelings they just go ahead and cheat. He’s a little crazy for thinking that this was ok to ask his girlfriend, but at least he thought about it before he actually went to find it elsewhere. [shrugs]